


We'll be just fine

by peggycarterislife



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fix-It, Slow Burn, in which eliza is all of us, so here have a slightly angsty, this was meant to be a one shot but i don't know how to fix this mess that quick so...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-05-30 00:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15084902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peggycarterislife/pseuds/peggycarterislife
Summary: “I’m just saying that, if Maggie is what you need to be happy, you can still have her,” said Eliza. “That is, of course, if you get your head out of your ass.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> soo as i said in the tags i meant for this to be just a quick one shot but turns out you can't really fix the mess that the show is in one quick one shot... i'll try to post the next chapter asap but i think i should update my multichap before i do that... 
> 
> hope y'all enjoy!!

She swiped through the couple of pictures she had taken with Ruby. The ones they had taken on the couple of days that weren’t as bad. She swiped through them and they made her smile, seeing the happiness in Ruby’s eyes, knowing what she had been going through then, how hard it had been to even get out of bed on some days. She swiped through them and she felt a bit proud of herself because she did  _ that _ . She was able to take care of the girl, to make her happy, at least a little bit, despite everything she had been going through.

She swiped through them until she got to the last picture.

Well, not the last one in her gallery but the last one with Ruby. Or rather the first one. She stopped there because she knew that the next picture would be one of the countless ones of Maggie she still hadn’t been able to delete.

Even after all this time, after  _ months _ of being apart, she still hadn’t deleted a single picture.

Not even the ones Maggie had taken of her because her own phone had been too far and Alex “ _ too beautiful to not capture _ .” She never really got it though, because she’s barely awake on most of the pictures, creases of the pillowcase pressed into her face, hair all tousled from sleep.

Alex found looking at those pictures the most painful. Because she just looked so content and happy. Even in her sleep.

She remembered how ridiculously safe it felt, sleeping in Maggie’s arms, or just knowing that even when she was asleep on the couch and Maggie was doing paper work at the table, she was  _ there.  _ And when Alex had woken up, drenched in sweat and shaking, tears flowing down her face because of another nightmare, Maggie had been  _ there.  _ Always ready to hold Alex until she calmed down, always ready to whisper sweet nothings into her ear to get the images out of her head, make her think of something else but death for a moment.

She hadn’t really slept since Maggie left.

So when she got to the last picture with Ruby, she contemplated swiping further, picking up the glass of whiskey she had poured for herself, her heart pounding in her chest. But she stopped herself before she could take a sip.

Because she was tired of her own private pity parties. She didn’t deserve pity. After all, she was the one that had decided to let Maggie go, to rip away the only family she had. And as painful as the thought was, Alex knew she deserved the pain.

She had let Maggie go for a reason. And as much as she had tried to move on, to find someone else she just hadn’t been able to. She didn’t think she’d ever could. Maggie Sawyer just couldn’t be replaced.

And Alex knew she probably had no chance of getting Maggie back- the last time she had cried herself to sleep because of it was over a week ago, after J’onn had told her that he knew she would make the right choice, would know what’s good for her.

A part of her wanted to scream at J’onn then. Because if she really knew what was good for her, if she really was capable of making the right decisions, she wouldn’t have let her go in the first place.

But even though Alex knew she had no chance, her heart still ached for her.

She had let her go for a reason though.

And she’d be damned if she had broken Maggie’s heart for no reason, So she put the glass down and opened her laptop, pulling up an adoption site.

Back when they had still been together, Alex used to dream about maybe carrying their own kid. A little Maggie perhaps. A baby with those perfect eyes and dimples. The thought had always made her heart swell.

Right now though, carrying a child sounded as unappealing as it possibly could.

But even when she used to think that she was straight, she knew she wanted to adopt at least one kid. Because of Kara, because she saw and  _ felt _ what a difference that makes, giving someone a second chance and a loving home.  

The thought of her sister almost made her reach for her phone. Almost. Before she could though, she remembered. Her sister wasn’t here anymore. She was… home.

Alex gave the glass a wistful look but decided against drinking, pushing it even further away. Kara was happy now and that was all that really mattered.

She stared at the first sentence on the page, written in bold letters: “Adopting a child is a big responsibility for anyone to take.”

“No shit,” she chuckled dryly.

She skimmed the first paragraph quickly. It said how the agency’s team of professionals was always ready to help make the growing of a family as seamless as possible. Her mind drifted to her mom. She didn’t have or need a team of professionals, and yet she had managed to figure out how to make an alien child feel home. But she didn’t really need one. She had Jeremiah. And even though he was gone too soon after, Alex was sure it had made a huge difference.

She wondered what it would feel like with Maggie. They would probably sit on the couch, as close to one another as they could, and Maggie would lean her head against Alex’s shoulder and tangle their legs together, as she always used to, even despite the risk of the laptop falling off of their tangled legs.

She wondered if maybe looking at the pictures of happy families and happy kids at the edge of the page would feel even more thrilling than looking at pictures of beaches and hotels when they had decided to take that first vacation together.

She wondered if they would argue what to name their kid as much as they argued about naming that first dog they never got.

The thought of all the firsts and what ifs made her eyes fill with tears as that familiar sharp ache settled in her chest.

She missed her.

God, she missed her.

People always told her that it would get better with time, that she just had to be patient, that someone new would come along eventually, she would fall in love again. But it had been months. Seven long, painful months and she still felt like nothing had changed.

She wasn’t any better. Granted, she didn’t cry as often as she used to those first couple of weeks, but when she did, now, it felt even more raw than before. She considered herself a patient person. But seven fucking months just felt like long enough. And if she hadn’t gotten better yet, would she ever? She doubted she would ever find someone to replace Maggie. Maggie was irreplaceable. And when it came to the question of falling in love again… She wasn’t really sure she wanted to.

Because maybe she had let her go before they even got married, but Alex had promised Maggie- during long, sleepless nights and lazy mornings and on the rare day off when they were cuddled on the couch, watching some shitty show and even when they were at work, every time she told her she loved her- that she would love her forever, that she would always be there for her, never leave her.

But she did.

She had broken the promise and Maggie's heart with it. Maggie had trusted her, had let her in, had let her see her when she was at her most vulnerable. She had bared her soul to her and Alex let her go. 

She let her go as if all the promises never really mattered. 

She wiped the few tears that had escaped her eyes off and tried getting back to reading the website but she just couldn't. The abandoned glass of whiskey pulled her attention to itself again and this time she didn't resist, couldn't resist, throwing it all back in one go.

If Kara had been here Alex would've called her. As she did everytime when thinking of Maggie just got too painful. It had been Kara’s idea, to come over any time it just got too much, too bad, after that one time she had found Alex blackout drunk on the floor between the couch and the bathroom. 

But Kara wasn't here now. 

And Alex couldn't call J’onn either because he was with his father, they had little time left together and Alex wouldn't want to take the precious time with his father away from him. 

She couldn't call James or Winn either since both of them were somewhere in the streets, making sure the city was as safe as it could be now that Kara was gone. 

She was alone now. 

Clenching her jaw so tight her teeth hurt, she poured herself another drink. She swirled the liquid around for a while before she drank it all in one go. 

She really was alone now. 

A little over half a year ago she had thought she would be married now. That she would come home every night to her gorgeous  _ wife,  _ that she would annoy Maggie while she cooked dinner for them and then tell her about her day, listen to all the boring details about Maggie’s day. She had thought that they would do all the mundane and boring things they used to do before, that their little routine would last forever. 

But it didn't. 

And now she was alone. 

She didn't even have her sister anymore. 

She poured herself another drink. She sipped this one slowly as she marveled at how much things could change in a year.

A year ago she had been happy, the happiest she'd ever been. And now she was empty and alone. 

She had always considered herself the big sister, the rock Kara could always rely on. But she also knew she wouldn't be able to be nearly as strong as she was without her kid sister. She'd never been so aware of how weak she could feel without her before. 

She wished she could just pick up her phone and call her, tell her how she felt, listen to Kara’s caring voice as she tried to calm her down before she could fly over. 

She needed to talk to someone right now. 

And she still had someone she could talk to...

Her phone was in her hand and the number dialed before her brain could really think it through and decide against it. Her hand trembled as she held the phone against her ear, waiting. 

“Is everything alright, sweetie?” her mom’s voice was laced with concern. 

Alex swallowed around the lump that had formed in her throat and nodded before realizing her mom couldn't see her. “Yeah,” she said, her voice weak, the held back tears apparent in her tone. 

“You never call me this late.” 

“I know. I'm sorry, I just-”

“Don't you dare apologize, Alex. I'm your mother. I'm here for you,  _ always _ . That means even at 11pm.” Eliza paused as Alex let out a weak chuckle. “What's wrong, sweetie?”

Alex wrapped her free arm around herself. “I just, um, needed to talk to someone I guess…” 

“Okay. I'm here.” The gentleness of Eliza's voice made fresh tears spring into Alex's eyes. “How are you?”

Alex took a deep shuddering breath. How was she supposed to reply to that? Empty. Lonely. Sad. Depressed. She didn't want to lie to her mother but she also didn't want to burden her with all of that. 

“I miss her, mom,” she heard herself say before her brain could even process that she was talking. 

“Your sister or Maggie?” 

Alex felt like all air had been knocked out of her lungs. 

_ Both.  _

She missed them both  _ so much. _

A sob escaped her mouth before she could do anything about it. 

“Oh sweetie,” her mom sighed.

“Both, mom. I miss them both just  _ so much _ . I never loved anyone more than the two of them and when I lost Mag- no, when I let Maggie go, I felt like half of me had been ripped away.  But I at least had Kara. But now she's gone, mom. She's gone and I feel like the one half I had left is gone. I just,” she took a deep breath, trying to get her crying under control, “I've never felt this hopeless. It's like I'm not even me anymore. I have nothing, mom.”

“That's not true-”

“But it is,” Alex cut her off. “I'm just so lonely now.” 

“Alex…”

She reached across the counter to grab a tissue, blowing her nose. “You know what?”

“What?” Eliza asked.

“I'm sitting in front of my laptop and I'm looking at adoption sites,” she said, her voice small.

“You wanna get a dog? You sure that's a good idea now that-” 

“No, mom,” Alex sighed, rubbing her eyes. “Not that kinda adoption sites.” 

“Oh.” 

Alex stayed quiet, waiting for her mom to say more, but the line was silent. The silence seemed to stretch on, the only sound coming through the speaker was her mom’s breathing.

She finally spoke up when she couldn't take it anymore. “Mom?” 

“I'm here.” 

“You're not gonna say anything?” 

“I don't know what to tell you, sweetie.” 

“You always do.” 

Eliza sighed. “Want the absolute truth?”

Alex hesitated for a moment. “Yes.”

“I've always considered you one of the smartest people I know, Alexandra.” Eliza paused for a moment but Alex didn't say anything, knowing her mom wasn't done yet. “But you're honestly acting like such an idiot right now.” 

Alex blinked dumbly. “Huh?” This was not what she had expected to hear. 

“A complete dumbass, Alexandra.” 

Alex took the phone away from her ear, frowning as she checked that she was really talking to her mother. “Yeah, no, I heard you.” 

“I know. I just felt like I needed to put an emphasis on how truly stupid you are.” 

“I know adoption doesn't seem like the best-”

“It's not just about adopting a child, Alex.” 

“It's not?” 

“No. But we can start with that, okay?” 

Alex frowned. “Okay…” 

“Do you have any idea how hard raising a child is? It's not a pet. Kids are human beings, Alex. You can't just adopt one because you feel lonely.”

“It's not only because of that, mom. I wanna be a mom! That's why Maggie and I bro-”

“Oh don't worry I'll get to that one too.”

Alex took the half full glass of whiskey, throwing it all back. 

“Do you know how dangerous and terrifying it is to have a child when you work for the DEO? Because I do, Alex. Your dad does. Look where trying to protect the two of you got him!” 

“I would step down, mom, wouldn't be a field agent anymore.”

“The list of people who would want to hurt you if you weren't a field agent, or if you didn't even work for the DEO anymore, is long enough, Alex.”

“It's not that long,” Alex tried to protest weakly. 

“Don't lie to me, Alexandra. Your sister told me everything.” 

“Oh she's so dead if she ever comes back,” Alex muttered.

“But this is not just about you getting hurt, Alex. Because you know there's plenty of people that would take care of your child if something happened to you. This is about the constant fear you have to live in. Because you never know when someone will want to hurt you and what better way to do that than to hurt your kid?” 

“I'd never let anything happen to-” 

“I know, Alex. I know. But if something happened you'd never forgive yourself, I know you. And I couldn't watch you suffer like that. So that's why I'm saying this now. Because that's what mothers do, we protect our children, even when it's hard.” 

“I know, mom,” Alex tried to swallow the fresh tears. “But I-” 

“I know it's hard now, Alex. But your job doesn't mix well with family life like that. I'm sorry, sweetie. It's hard now but it would be so much harder if something happened to them.” 

Alex closed her eyes, leaning her head against her free hand. She knew her mom was right but that didn't make it any less difficult to hear. 

“I know,“ she breathed out, her voice small.

“I love you, Alex. You know that I do.”

Alex knew that. Especially with how hard Eliza had been trying for the past couple of years. “I do, mom.”

“And you know that I want only what’s best for you.”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to be  _ happy _ , Alexandra.”

Alex bit her lip, trying to blink back the fresh tears that had sprung to her eyes. Maggie had wanted her to be happy. She used to tell her every day. And Alex had been happy then. She hadn’t really felt happiness since the last time she held Maggie in her arms.

“I don’t want you to feel guilty but… I haven’t really seen you happy since, well, since-“

“I broke up with her,” Alex said, her voice small because of all the tears she was trying, and failing, to hold back.

“Yeah.”

She let a sob escape her mouth, unable to hold back anymore. “I don’t know what to do, mom.”

“Oh, Alex…”

“J’onn told me that he was sure I’d do what’s best for me, but I… I don’t know what that is, mom.”

“But that’s okay, Alex. We don’t always know what we wa-“

“And Kara said I would move on, that I just have to give it some more time, that I’d find someone better for me.”

“Do  _ you _ think you could find someone better than Maggie?”

“No,” Alex shook her head even though Eliza couldn’t see her. “God no.”

“Then why do you listen to your sister?”

“Because everyone keeps saying that, mom. Even Sara said I’d move on. Even though the one thing I saw when I was  _ sure _ \- god, mom, I was never  _ so sure _ \- that I was going to die was Maggie. I’ve never wanted to fight for my life so bad. Just so I could get back to her. Just so I could tell her how sorry I was…”

“When was that?”

“Like two weeks after I broke up with her.”

“Why didn’t you-“

“Because everyone said that I’d get over it with some time. That it only hurt so much because it was fresh. But it hasn’t stopped, mom. Hell, sometimes I feel like it’s even worse.”

Like right now. She eyed the empty glass of whiskey, contemplating if she should pour herself another drink. Probably not. At least not now, when she was still on the phone with Eliza.

“Why don’t you do anything about it then?”

“Like what?” Alex barked, her tone a bit too harsh. “I’m sorry, I-“

“It’s okay, Alex,” Eliza’s voice was even gentler than before. “I know what it’s like, losing someone you love  _ so much _ . But, sweetie, I couldn’t do anything about it. You can.”

She shook her head. “I can’t, mom.”

She got one. Maggie had told her that she only got one. And she’d already wasted that one. She didn’t get to just drive to Maggie’s new place and expect that she would take her back. Alex knew she wouldn’t. Because she got one major fuck-up and she had already used it. Plus, she was pretty sure that calling your engagement off four weeks before the wedding is much bigger than just a major fuck-up.

“Why not?

“Because she gave me her heart and I ripped it to shreds. I promised I would keep her safe and never leave her but I took the only family she had away from her. I broke so many promises. I-“

“I know. But you still can at least try. You could have her back in your life if you wanted.”

“No, I couldn’t,” Alex shook her head and got up from the stool, heading to her bed.  “I’m sure she hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

Eliza’s tone made Alex freeze on the second step.

“Mom?”

“She calls me every now and then. To see how everyone is, how you are.”

Alex felt as if all the air had been knocked out of her lungs. She forced her legs to walk up the two more steps and sunk onto her bed. She could hear her heart beating in her ears as she tried to come up with something to say to that.

“She still cares, Alex.”

Tears seemed to flow faster now. Alex took in a deep, shuddering breath, trying to regain at least some control.

“I’m just saying that, if Maggie is what you need to be happy, you can still have her,” said Eliza. “That is, of course, if you get your head out of your ass.”

Eliza’s remark made Alex snort. “You think so?”

“Yes. But, Alex, you have to be  _ sure _ this time. You may be a highly trained agent and my child but I’ll kill you myself if you hurt that girl again.”

Alex nodded, a weak smile spreading across her face even though tears still flowed down her cheeks.

“Thanks, mom.”

 

~ ~ ~

A couple of days after the phone call with her mom she was sitting in her lab, her feet kicked up on the table as she stared at the ceiling, trying to come up with the perfect way to contact Maggie. She only had one shot at this so she couldn’t fuck it up.

That was why she hadn’t reached out yet. Even despite the impossibly strong urge she had after the phone call with her mom to just get on her bike and drive to Maggie’s place as quick as she could and beg for forgiveness.

But it had been late. And she hadn’t been drunk but she knew the bit of alcohol in her blood would make it so much easier for her to tell Maggie everything, but she didn’t deserve easy and Maggie deserved completely sober so she hadn’t gone.

So here she was, sitting in her lab, her brain working as hard as ever because her mom had said she still had a chance to have Maggie back in her life. She had fucked up  _ so bad  _ so now she had to come up with something great.

She wondered what Kara would’ve told her, if she would’ve helped her come up with something or just tried to talk her out of it again.

As angry as she had been back when Kara used to tell her that she would find someone better, someone who would give Alex everything she wanted and deserved, used to tell her that Maggie just probably wasn’t right for her, she missed it all  _ so much  _ now.

She sighed, rubbing her eyes to ease the impeding headache, when her phone rang. She reached for it, the chair she was sitting on tipping dangerously. She felt a flash of pride in her chest for a split second, when the chair didn’t tip over and she didn’t fall but then she looked at the screen and her jaw went slack, losing her balance and falling to the ground.

She hit her head as she fell but couldn’t be bothered with the pain now. Not with that name flashing on the screen, or that picture. Her heart was pounding and her throat felt suddenly try and she didn’t know if she should pick up or just let it go to voicemail.

And then she noticed she had probably hit the answer button as she fell and her heart started beating even faster.

There was probably a perfectly reasonable, work-related explanation for why she was calling.

She brought the phone to her ear with a trembling hand but didn’t, couldn’t, say anything, feeling like her heart was stuck in her throat.

Maggie’s voice was small, tentative, when she broke the silence. “Danvers?”

Alex cleared her throat. “Yeah?”

“Hey. It’s Maggie…”

Alex as if someone kicked her into the gut. Maggie thought she had deleted her number. Maggie thought that she didn’t remember her voice anymore, as if it didn’t haunt her dreams every night.

Alex swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. “Yeah, I know.”

She swore she could hear Maggie’s relieved sigh.

“I just, uh, well, to be honest, um, I’m just calling to check in.”

“Check in?”

“Yeah, I mean I haven’t seen Kara on the news in a while… Is everything okay?”

Alex was sure Maggie knew that Kara was back on Krypton, back home. There was no way she didn’t know. Eliza said they still talk pretty often and she was sure her mom would’ve at least mentioned the fact that one of her daughters was now living in a whole other galaxy.

Plus, Alex always  _ knew  _ her. And she knew  _ that _ tone. The one that Maggie used whenever she knew that something was wrong but didn’t want to push Alex into talking about it.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” Her voice sounded weird to her own ears. “Kara’s, um, she’s back home.”

“Home?”

“Krypton.”

“Wait wasn’t it like completely destroyed?”

“That’s what we thought, yeah. But turns out it’s still there.”

“That’s amazing!”

Alex could hear the smile in Maggie’s voice, could picture it so vividly it made her heart ache. Maybe they hadn’t always been on the best of terms with Kara but Alex knew that Maggie cared about her little sister.

“Yeah,” she said, trying smile but she just couldn’t. Her little sister was gone. And Maggie, sweet, caring, wonderful Maggie called her to check in even though Alex let her go…

“Are  _ you _ okay?”

The question caught Alex off guard.

_ No. _

Of course she wasn’t okay.

Her sister was gone, Maggie wasn’t hers anymore, and because of her job she couldn’t even have kids so she basically let Maggie go for no reason and-

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Danvers,” Maggie’s tone was so much softer than Alex deserved. “I  _ know  _ you. You know you don’t have to pretend with me.”

Alex tried to swallow down the burning in her throat and blink back the tears that had gathered in her eyes.

She didn’t have to pretend with Maggie. She never had and never did. Well except for those last couple of weeks, when she had told Maggie that she was enough for her, that she was all the family she ever needed and then just left her alone like everyone else.

“I miss her, Maggie,” she confessed, not even caring about the fact that her voice broke in the middle of the sentence.

“I know,” Maggie’s voice got even softer and Alex had to bite her lip  _ so hard _ to keep herself from sobbing.

“I’ll be okay though. It’s just gonna take some time to, uh, readjust…”

“You’re a badass, Danvers. I know you’ll be okay.”

Every word that came out of Maggie’s mouth felt like a kick in the gut. But, in a way, it also made her feel safe and calm. Like Maggie always used to.

They were both silent for a moment after that. Alex didn’t know what to say but she didn’t want the phone call to be over yet. So she just sat there and listened to Maggie’s breathing. And even though she was sure it was just her imagination, it sounded like Maggie was also struggling to hold back tears.

“I, uh, I should probably go,” said Maggie and Alex felt her heart drop. “I have a ton of paperwork because that idiot McConnell can’t do anything right.”

Alex chuckled, remembering all the evenings Maggie came home complaining about her useless partner. “Yeah, okay.”

She didn’t hang up, waiting for Maggie to do it first. But Maggie didn’t do so either. 

“Danvers?” her voice was tentative when she spoke up again. 

“Yeah?”

“You take care of yourself, okay?”

“Okay. You too.”

She bit the inside of her cheek even harder. She should’ve been Maggie’s wife by now, should’ve been taking care of her.  

“Okay…” she could hear the sadness in Maggie’s voice and it was ripping her heart to shreds. “See- bye, Danvers.” 

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Bye.”

~ ~ ~

She paced around her lab. Her knees felt weak and she struggled to take deep, even breaths.

Maggie had called her to check up on her, to see if she was okay. Maggie had called even though Alex had people who would take care of her if she wasn’t okay. Alex had a family. Something that she had taken away from Maggie all those months ago, and never even bothered to check up on her.

Maggie had called her because she  _ knew _ that Kara was gone and she knew how hard it had to be for Alex and she wanted to know that she was okay.

Maggie still  _ cared _ .

Eliza was right.

It wasn’t that Alex didn’t believe her mom. She did. She knew Eliza would never lie about something like this. But getting to talk to her, even for a couple of minutes, getting to hear her voice… It just felt like she was being ripped apart from the inside

She had no idea what to do before Maggie had called but now it was even worse.

Because Maggie, good, sweet, kind Maggie still cared enough to check if Alex was okay. And she had hurt her  _ so much _ . There was no way she deserved Maggie.

She braced herself on the desk, taking a deep breath.

She had to calm down. There was no point in spiraling.

She wished Kara was there. She wished she could just pick up the phone and call her and tell her about everything, even though Kara would probably object and tell her that wanting to get back together with Maggie was a bad idea.

Opening her eyes she looked for her phone, spotting it on the floor where she had left it after her call with Maggie.

Maybe she couldn’t call Kara but she could call Eliza. And the talk she had with her mom a couple of days ago had been much more helpful than the countless ones she had had with Kara.

She grabbed her phone and sat down in her chair, dialing her mom’s number. She put the phone to her ear, waiting for her mom to pick up, but after a couple of rings it just went to voicemail.

She put the phone down, knowing Eliza would call her as soon as she could. She looked around the lab, contemplating what to do to busy herself while she waited. But in the end she decided just to sit and wait and try to calm herself down, knowing she couldn’t concentrate on work now.

A couple of minutes had passed before her phone finally rang. She glanced at the screen, seeing that it was her mom, before she put the phone to her ear.

“Hey, mom,” she said, her voice trembling despite her best effort.

“Hi, sweetie.”

Her mom’s voice was soft and she wasn’t asking what was wrong even though Alex never called her in the middle of the day so that had to mean-

“You know, right?”

“I just talked to her.”

“Oh.”

“She just asked me to make sure you’re really okay.”

Oh, Maggie.

“Is she okay?”

“Did she sound okay to you?”

Alex clenched her jaw at her mom’s words.

“No,” she breathed out, her voice barely audible.

“Not that I’m not happy to hear you, Alex, but why are you calling me?”

“I don’t know what to do, mom.”

Eliza was quiet for a moment before she spoke up again. “You considering adoption again? Alex, you know I’ll stand by you no matter what you decide. I just honestly think that it’s a terrible idea and-“

“No, mom,” Alex cut her off. “I don’t know what to do about, uh, the whole Maggie situation…”

“Maggie situation?” Eliza echoed.

“Yeah. I just I don’t know how to-“

“Alex, sweetie, stop. Breathe.” Alex took a deep breath, letting her mom’s voice soothe her. “Just… don’t overthink it.”

“But-“

“Alex. What made Maggie happier when you were together? Grand romantic gestures or the little things?”

Alex thought back to her days with Maggie. There was more little things than big ones. And the ones that had Maggie’s eyes shine the brightest had always been the most ordinary things. Like coming home to her favorite take out and the smell of burnt dinner that Alex had attempted to cook for her. Or getting to pick a movie. Dancing in their living room in their pajamas to whatever cheesy song was on the radio. Racing each other on their bikes on the couple of occasions that they had found the time to get out of the city.

Maggie always liked simple things more.

“Little things.”

“Then stop overthinking it.”

“Yeah. Okay…”

“Plus, I don’t think a big romantic gesture would be a good idea, sweetie. You have to start from the scratch, earn her trust, see if she’s willing to take the risk again.”

Alex nodded even though Eliza couldn’t see her. “Thanks, mom.”

~ ~ ~

Alex decided to wait till she got home, knowing that whatever Maggie’s answer would be, she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything.

After she had come home and showered, she found herself sitting on the bed, clutching the pillow that used to be Maggie’s to her chest, staring at her phone that was placed in front of her.

It was a couple of minutes past eight, which meant that Maggie shouldn’t be working anymore. So if Alex called and she didn’t pick up it would be either because was with someone- someone who wasn’t Alex- or because she simply didn’t want to. Alex didn’t know which one was worse.

She picked up her phone with a trembling hand and after taking a deep breath to steady her nerves she dialed Maggie’s number. It only rang two times before Maggie picked up.

“Danvers?” she sounded a little breathless. “Is everything all right?”

Alex’s mouth opened and closed without a sound a couple of times as she tried to get her brain to form words. “I, uh, yeah. Everything’s fine.”

“Oh, okay…”

“I’m just calling, to, well, um… I’m calling because, uh… I- how are you?”  

Alex cringed at her own inability to form sentences, mentally kicking herself for not thinking about what she was going to say before she called Maggie.

Maggie was silent for a beat. “I, uh, good.”

Maggie’s voice was small and Alex knew she was lying. But she also knew that she couldn’t push Maggie into talking about anything she didn’t want to talk about, not anymore.

“Good, I’m, I’m glad to hear that.”

She pushed her hair back with her free hand. This was probably the most awkward conversation she’d ever had with Maggie. It hadn’t been this bad even when Alex had confessed her feelings for Maggie in the bar, not even in the weeks after that, when Alex had purposefully avoided her.

“I’d ask you how you are but I already know the answer to that,” said Maggie, chuckling weakly.

“Yeah…”

There was a moment of silence. “Why are you calling, Danvers?”

“Just wanted to know how-“

“Alex.”

Alex’s heart skipped a beat at her own name.

She swallowed, her throat feeling too dry suddenly. “Maggie.”

Maggie chuckled softly and Alex closed her eyes, remembering Maggie’s dimples and the glow of her eyes whenever she smiled up at her.

“Don’t lie to me, Alex.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat, remembering one of the countless arguments. Remembering how Maggie’s bottom lip trembled as she barely held back tears, her voice broken.

_ Don’t lie to me, Alex. _

She took a deep breath. “Would you, uh, maybe wanna, well, uh, you know, grab a coffee sometime?” she asked, her heart beating like crazy. “You can say no! I’d totally understand if you never wanted to see me again… I just, well, I was thinking that we could maybe catch up. But if you don’t wanna then that’s to-“

“Danvers.”

“Yeah?”

“Breathe.”

Alex inhaled deeply, loud enough for Maggie to hear.

“I’d love to see you,” Maggie’s voice was so quiet that if Alex wasn’t in her empty apartment she probably wouldn’t have heard it.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, uh, tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow sounds great, Danvers.”

“Okay,” Alex nodded, a smile spreading across her face even though tears filled her eyes. “I’ll text you the time and place?”

“Yeah,” Maggie breathed. “See you tomorrow, Danvers.”

“See you tomorrow, Maggie.”

She put her phone on the nightstand before she curled around the pillow she’d been clutching to her chest. She was going to get coffee with Maggie tomorrow. She was going to see Maggie for the first time in what felt like forever. She was going to get to talk to her.

And maybe, if she played her cards right, she would get to fall asleep curled up around Maggie instead of this damn pillow again sometime.

She closed her eyes, and let herself drift off to sleep, her heart filled with hope.

 

~ ~ ~

Alex got to the coffee shop fifteen minutes earlier, just to be safe. She picked a place they hadn’t gone to before together, wanting to avoid all the hurt a familiar place filled with memories could bring up.

She found an empty table for two in the corner and sat down, telling the waitress that came to take her order that she was waiting for someone.

She smoothed down her shirt, making sure it looked Maggie-worthy and glanced at the clock. Thirteen more minutes. She could wait thirteen minutes. She could use the time to calm down a bit and gather her thoughts. She could think about what she wanted to tell Maggie, what she wanted to ask her. Think of the things not to say, things that would make this painful and awkward. She could-

Her eyes snapped to the door when she heard the little bell above them ring, announcing that another customer had walked in, and her breath hitched in her throat when she saw that it was Maggie.

Her hair was a bit shorter, cheekbones more prominent, she must’ve lost some weight. Alex could see the dark circles under her eyes even from the distance. But even though she looked tired, like she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks- something Alex could relate to too well- she still looked absolutely gorgeous. With her worn leather jacket and a white button down- Alex was  _ sure _ it was the one from the night she had kissed her for the first time in that bar- tucked into those sinfully tight jeans. Every bit the woman Alex fell in love with, was still in love with.

Maggie looked around the café and her jaw clenching when her eyes landed on Alex. Maggie’s eyes weren’t shining the way they used to whenever she looked at her. Alex gave her a small wave, trying to ignore the ache in her chest.

She made her way over to the table and Alex stood up slowly, unsure of what to do with herself. She wanted nothing more than to hug her, hold her in her arms again, bury her nose in her hair and smell her shampoo. But she wasn’t sure if she could do that. If Maggie would be okay with it.

So she just stood there, a small smile on her face as she watched Maggie walk towards her. Even though her whole body was screaming at her to just  _ run  _ towards her, to hold her and never let go again.

But her mom’s voice was loud and clear in her head.

_ “You have to start from the scratch, earn her trust, see if she’s willing to take the risk again.” _

So even though just standing there felt like an absolute torture.

She would do anything to earn Maggie’s trust back.

“Hi,” she managed to get out when Maggie was close enough.

Maggie smiled at her, but it didn’t really reach her eyes. “Hey,” she said before sitting down.

Alex tried to swallow the disappointment as she sat down across from her. She could do this. If not getting to hug Maggie for a while meant getting to have her back in her life for the rest of it, she could do this.

“You’re early,” she said to break the silence.

Maggie smirked at her as she flipped open the drinks menu. “Knew you’d be too early and didn’t want you to wait for too long.”

“How?”

“I know you, Danvers,” Maggie said, not looking up from the menu as she shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.

Of course Maggie knew Alex would come too early. She always did. Being exactly on time meant being late for her. Of course Maggie knew that. Of course Maggie would come earlier than they had agreed so Alex wouldn’t stress herself out while waiting on her own.  And of course Maggie made sure to come early but later than Alex.

Alex swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.

Maggie had only come like 2 minutes ago and she was already well on her way to crying. She was sure she would cry, or at least have a hard time trying not to. She just hadn’t expected it would take only a couple of minutes.

“Yeah, you do,” she breathed, her voice so quiet she wasn’t even sure Maggie heard it, but the way Maggie’s eyes had flicked up at her for a split second told her she did.

After they’d ordered their drinks, they found themselves sitting in a rather uncomfortable silence. Alex wasn’t used to this, being uncomfortable around Maggie. She had always made her feel safe and content. But Maggie had her walls up, higher than before, and the warmth she always used to radiate, the one that had always made Alex feel so secure, just wasn’t there.

And as much as it made her heart ache, she knew it was what she deserved.

“So,” she cleared her throat, “how are you?”

Alex kicked herself for asking the moment Maggie’s eyes met her own.

“Good,” Maggie replied.

Alex could see right through her even though Maggie had her walls up. She knew she was lying. Honestly, anyone who so much as looked at Maggie would know. With the dark circles under her eyes that she couldn’t even cover up with a concealer.

But she knew better than to push her so she just nodded, picking at a corner of the menu, her eyes drifting away from Maggie’s face.

“How are  _ you _ , Danvers?”

Hearing the honest concern in her voice, she glanced up at her, her heart aching when she saw that Maggie had let her walls slip a bit, her eyes radiating the warmth Alex was so used to.

She could lie as well and tell her that she was good. But she knew lies would get her nowhere, remembered what they had done to their relationship all those months ago.

If she was going to fix this, she needed to be honest.

“I don’t know.”

Maggie just tilted her head to the side and Alex had to fight the urge not to reach across the table and touch her.

“It’s just,” she took a deep breath, “it’s hard, you know. I hated her so much when she first got here. I was so hard on her… But then we, uh, we became pretty much inseparable. She was, well,  _ is _ my best friend. And now she’s light-years away and I don’t know what to do without her.”

Alex blew out a breath, looking to the side and trying to blink back the tears, when she felt Maggie’s hand over her own. She stopped picking at the corner of the menu, too afraid that any movement would make Maggie pull back.

She looked back at Maggie and her breath hitched when she saw the tears glistening in Maggie’s eyes.

She always cared  _ so  _ much.

Alex wanted to get up, walk around the table and hold her. Make sure those tears disappear. But she couldn’t. She had to let Maggie set the pace. So she just sat there, enjoying the warmth of Maggie’s hand covering her own.

She had missed her touch so much.

“Yeah,” Maggie nodded, clearing her throat. “I think I know how you feel.”

Alex opened her mouth, not knowing what to say to that, when the waitress interrupted them. She put their drinks down on the table, causing Maggie to pull her hand back. Alex almost reached for her, almost, remembering that she couldn’t do that anymore.

They kept their conversation light after that. Or as light as it could be. Telling each other about what happened in the months they had been absent in each other’s lives.

Alex told her about her trip to another earth, deciding not to mention her one night stand or the fact that she had almost died. She told her about the Legion and laughed at Maggie’s eye roll when she mentioned Mon-El. She told her about the new suit that Winn had designed for her and Maggie told her that she couldn’t wait to see it- Alex couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face at that. She told her about Sam and how and Ruby, quickly changing the topic when she noticed the haunted look in Maggie’s eyes at the mention of the girl.

Maggie told her about how she’d been traveling because she needed to get out of the city for a while. Alex’s poker face clearly wasn’t as good as she though because Maggie changed the topic quickly. She told her about what was new at the precinct and bitched about what an idiot McConell truly is and for a moment Alex felt like back when they were still together. She told her about how her aunt had finally visited her a couple of months back- and Alex had to bite the inside of her cheek because she knew the woman was supposed to come to the city for their wedding.

By the time they had finished their drinks, Alex felt much more comfortable and she could tell Maggie did too. It wasn’t the same as before, and Alex didn’t know if it ever would be- she hoped it would- but it was enough for now.

She paid for the coffee, surprised when Maggie didn’t protest. Maggie could clearly tell because she just grinned at her, the smile finally reaching her eyes, promising her that she would pay next time.

The promise of a next time made Alex’s heart beat faster, her chest filled with hope. She didn’t even bother stopping the huge smile that spread across her face as she nodded.

Maggie walked her to her bike after that, hands shoved in the pockets of her leather jacket, making her seem even smaller than she was somehow. And Alex’s heart sped up even more at the thought of Maggie not wanting to let her go yet.

“This is me,” Alex said, leaning against her bike.

“You have a new bike?” Maggie frowned.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “The old one got kinda blown up…”

“What?!”

Alex’s eyes went wide. “It’s nothing! I’m okay, nothi-“

“I know. I know nothing happened but something could’ve, Alex,” Maggie said, brushing her hair back. “I know that this is your life but, god, Danvers… I…”

“I’m sorry.”

“I just… I can’t…”

“I know…”

They were both silent for a moment, just looking at one another, and Alex had to bite her cheek to keep the tears from making their way into her eyes.

“It’s, uh, it’s a nice bike though,” Maggie said, attempting to smile.

They had talked about getting bikes like this when they were together. Alex could tell by the look in Maggie’s eyes that she was thinking about that. About the day they had spent riding their bikes, stopping at a small diner in the middle of nowhere where they had talked about what bikes they would get, teasing each other about whose would be faster.

“I could give you a ride sometime,” Alex blurted out without thinking, her eyes going wide when she realized what she had said. “That is, uh, if you’d like…”

Maggie bit her lip, studying Alex’s face for a moment. “Yeah,” she nodded slowly. “Maybe someday, Danvers.”

“Someday.”

The air around them felt heavy with all the unspoken things. Alex wanted to tell her everything then and there, wanted to apologize, to beg her to come back. But she knew she couldn’t rush it.

Maggie smiled, her eyes bright and dimples deep. “It was great seeing you, Danvers.”

Maggie stepped closer to her then and Alex’s heart nearly stopped as Maggie looped her arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. Alex put her hands around Maggie carefully, breathing in the scent of her shampoo. God, she’d missed this so much.

“You too,” Alex said, tightening her hold on Maggie a little.

The hug was over too soon for Alex’s liking. But, to be honest, if it was up to her she’d never let Maggie go.

“See you, Danvers,” Maggie grinned and turned around to leave, stopping herself a couple of steps from Alex and turning around. “I missed this.”

Alex took a shuddering breath, hugging herself tightly as she nodded. “Me too.”

“Let’s not disappear on each other again, okay?”

“Okay.”

She watched Maggie walk away, her heart beating like crazy, as she tried to hold it together and not break down in the middle of the street.

~ ~ ~

Alex found herself at the dive bar on Saturday, laughing as Maggie grumbled about how she was  _ sure _ that Alex was cheating, even though it was pretty much impossible to cheat at pool. She had considered letting Maggie win, but she knew Maggie would know and that it would only lead to even more grumbling.

They had been texting the whole week and Alex was over the moon. Her heart jumped every time her phone pinged with a notification. They talked  _ so much _ and yet they somehow hadn’t talked about that one thing that they should.

Alex was too scared to bring it up, not wanting to pop their little bubble, wanting to give Maggie time, to earn her trust. But it was killing her. She wanted to ask Maggie’s forgiveness, to ask her if there was a chance of ever being together again.

She was happy to have Maggie back in her life but she also hated it in a way. Because she had hurt her. She had hurt her so much and all she wanted to do was apologize while Maggie seemed perfectly content playing pretend that nothing happened. And Alex just couldn’t wrap her head around why she would do that.

She had expected her to be angry, hurt. At least a little.

She hadn’t expected  _ this. _

But her mom had told her to give Maggie space and Alex knew better than to push Maggie into talking. So she kept her mouth shut and enjoyed Maggie’s presence.

She racked up the balls while Maggie went to get them some drinks. Glancing over her shoulder she saw Maggie smiling at her from the bar.

God, she had missed that smile.

She would do anything to keep that smile in her life.

~ ~ ~

It was Wednesday. The second Wednesday without Kara. The second sister night without her sister and Alex was curled up on the couch, scrolling through Netflix, trying to pick a show to watch.

All the shows that she wanted to watch were the ones she had started with Kara. And even though she didn’t know if Kara was ever coming back, it felt wrong to continue without her.

She turned the TV off and got up from the couch, walking over to the counter to pour herself a drink. She sat down on one of the barstools and sipped on her whiskey. She wanted to text Maggie but she wasn’t sure it was a good idea when she was this emotional.

But before she could make up her mind her phone pinged with a notification. She reached across the counter and unlocked it, reading the message.

**Maggie:** _ You hungry? _

She was. She hadn’t really eaten anything since breakfast. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to, she just simply didn’t have time. Plus she had nothing in the fridge and ordering takeout on a sister night without Kara just felt wrong and she was too sad to go out on her own.

**Alex:** _ Yes _

She only waited a couple of seconds before the three dots appeared, telling her that Maggie was typing.

**Maggie:** _ Let me in? _

**Maggie:** _ I have your favorite… _

Alex didn’t even think before she was up from the stool and at the door, buzzing Maggie in. She waited by the door nervously, looking through the peephole every couple of seconds, until she finally saw her.

She opened the door, smiling warmly only to be met with Maggie’s wide, panicked eyes, brimming with tears.

“What happened? Are you-“

“I’m fine, Danvers,” Maggie sniffed. “S’just kinda hard to… you know,” she gestured around herself, at the hallway and the apartment and Alex.

“Oh.”

Of course.

Maggie hadn’t been here since they broke up.

Of course it would be hard for her. And of course Alex didn’t even think of that.

“Yeah…”

“Maggie we don’t have to be here we could go-“

“Danvers come on, no. It’s ridiculous.”

“But it’s not!”

She watched as Maggie drew in a shuddering breath and bit her lip, fighting the instinct that was yelling at her to wrap her up in her arms and hold her.

“The food’s gonna get cold, Alex,” her voice cracked a couple of times but Alex pretended she didn’t notice and stepped aside to let Maggie in.

She knew Maggie was the one setting the pace and she hadn’t really minded but it felt as if she was being ripped to shreds as she watched Maggie walk into the apartment that she used to call home, that she shared with the one person who promised that she’d never leave her, that she would be her forever.

She felt as if she was being ripped to shreds as she watched Maggie take the apartment in. Looking at the shelves where her things had been, now empty and covered in dust. She watched as Maggie’s gaze avoided the bed and had to swallow the lump in her throat as she remembered the last night they had spent there together, the way Maggie had  _ begged  _ her not to let go. And she couldn’t really hold back the tears when Maggie’s eyes landed on the spot where they had put their engagement rings before she had walked out of the apartment for what Alex thought was the last time.

But it wasn’t because Maggie was here now.

She was here now and Alex would be damned before she ever let her walk away like that again.

Maggie placed the takeout bags on the counter and walked around to grab some plates and cutlery and Alex’s heart ached with how much she had missed this.

She sat down on one of the stools and watched her like she had so many times before. It almost felt like the old times. When Maggie would stop to grab dinner on her way home on the rare day when Alex got home sooner than her. When they would just both sit at the counter silently, both too tired to talk, just soaking up each other’s presence.

Almost.

Maggie plated the food and handed it over to Alex, who just nodded, a small grateful smile on her lips. She then grabbed her own plate and walked back around the counter to sit next to Alex, on the spot that used to be hers.

Alex had her fork halfway to her mouth when she heard Maggie’s clatter against the plate. She turned to look at her, a confused frown on her face. Maggie’s hand came to Alex’s and for a moment she thought Maggie was going to hold it. But then she realized she was still holding her fork. And Maggie’s hand went straight for it, taking it out of Alex’s hand.

“Ma-“

“It’s cold.” Her voice was barely a mumble but Alex could hear the hurt.

The food was cold. Jesus. Alex’s stomach clenched at the thought of Maggie sitting in her car, willing herself to get out, or maybe pacing in front of the building, trying not to run away.

Maggie slipped off of her seat, walking over to the microwave with both plates. She put one down on the counter while she shoved the other one into the microwave, her back turned to Alex.

“Maggie.”

“Danvers, please.”

She could see the tension in Maggie’s shoulder, could hear the strain in Maggie’s voice. Alex knew Maggie was barely holding back tears and she couldn’t take it anymore so she walked around the counter, standing behind Maggie, leaving some distance between them.

“Talk to me,” she pleaded.

Maggie ran her hand through her hair, her back still turned to Alex. “Why?”

Alex had never heard her voice so  _ broken _ . Not even all those months ago, when she had begged Alex to not leave her, to love her, like she had promised she would.

“Because I-“ she cut herself off, not knowing if she could finish the sentence.

_ I love you. _

Maggie turned around then, her eyes filled with tears and bottom lip wobbling.

“Do you know why I came here tonight?” she asked.

Alex just shook her head.

“I know I’m not Kara,” she said, huffing out a bitter laugh, “but I didn’t want you to be alone on sister night.”

Oh, Maggie.

Good, sweet, kind, selfless Maggie.

Of course she would think about that.

“Maggie, I-“

“I knew it was gonna be hard, ya know? Being here again,” she gestured at the apartment. “But I didn’t think it would be  _ this  _ hard.”

Alex didn’t say anything, just watched as Maggie ran her hand through her hair again, knowing she wasn’t done yet.

“I was  _ so _ happy when you called me,” she said, a tear rolling down her cheek. “Doesn’t really make sense, does it? You promise me forever, and then kick me out before we even start it. And yet I was  _ happy _ you wanted to see me… I was happy even though I should probably hate you.”

Alex took a sharp breath. Maggie’s words feeling like a slap. But she deserved it. She knew she did so she just stayed quiet and listened to her, not bothering to swallow the tears, letting them flow down her cheeks.

Maggie wiped her eyes with the back off her hand before continuing. “I’m sorry,” she said, making Alex frown. “I know you just lost your sister and the last thing you need is to deal with all  _ this _ ,” she said, gesturing at herself. “It’s just, uh, hard, you know…”

The microwave beeped and Maggie turned to take the food out but Alex stopped her with a hand on her arm before she could even turn off the beeping.

“Maggie-“

“Danvers, no,” Maggie shrugged Alex’s hand off and Alex’s stomach dropped.

“Listen to me, please,” her voice cracked as more tears flowed out of her eyes but she didn’t care.

Maggie took a deep breath, considering Alex for a moment before she nodded.

“I don’t want you to push your feelings down because of me, Maggie. It was you who taught me not to do that. And yeah, Kara’s gone and god knows if she’ll ever come back and it  _ hurts  _ but, Maggie, that doesn’t mean you have to ignore how you feel for my sake.”

“I know what it’s like to lose a best friend, Danvers,” she said, and Alex knew she was talking about her from the way she looked at her.

“Yeah me too,” Alex nodded.

Maggie wrapped her arms around herself, holding herself together, looking smaller than she was.

“I know it’s not easy for you to trust me after… everything,” Alex said, not missing the small nod Maggie gave her in response. “But it would mean everything to me if you talked to me instead of pushing it all down.”

Maggie chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before nodding. “Okay,” she said. “We should probably talk about everything if we ever wanna be friends.”

Friends. Right.

Alex wanted so much more than that. She wanted the promised forever back, wanted to grow old with Maggie, to get the dog and the house and have all the firsts together.

Baby steps, she reminded herself.

“We should,” she nodded.

“Maybe not tonight though? I’m kind of drained from all this,” Maggie said, wiping at her eyes.

Alex wanted nothing more than to tell her everything right then and there, to tell her that wanting a kid was a mistake, that throwing what they had away like it was nothing was a mistake.

_ You have to start from the scratch, earn her trust, see if she’s willing to take the risk again. _

God, she hated when her mom was right.

“Of course,” Alex nodded, putting on her best smile.

“Could I just maybe-“ Maggie cut herself off, turning around to take the plate out of the microwave that had stopped beeping.

“Maggie, no, come on,” Alex went to put a hand on her shoulder but stopped herself, remembering how Maggie had shrugged her off just a moment ago. “Please.”

Maggie turned back around, taking a deep breath. “Can I hug you?” she asked, her voice almost silent.

Alex’s heart skipped a beat and shattered at the same time. Because Maggie wanted to  _ hug her _ but Maggie wasn’t sure if she could and felt like she had to ask. But Maggie wanted to hug her and Alex that was all Alex had been wanting to do since she had turned up at her door with tears in her eyes.

“Yeah,” she breathed, “of course.”

Maggie was in her arms in a second, her face buried in Alex’s neck and arms wrapped tightly around her waist, hands fisted in Alex’s shirt. The hug felt more than friendly and Alex had to swallow the lump in her throat. She brought her arms around Maggie’s shoulders and pulled her in closer, relishing the feeling of holding her again, of being able to smell her shampoo and the faint smell of leather and that thing that was just so uniquely Maggie again.

“I missed you,” Maggie whispered against Alex’s neck.

Alex closed her eyes at the feeling of Maggie’s breath against her neck.

_ I love you. _

She knew she couldn’t say that.

Not yet.

She had to swallow the lump in her throat again before she replied. “I missed you too.”

And she could feel Maggie melting into her arms and knew that there was nothing that could stop her from getting their forever now.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know it's been a pretty long time but i've been really busy with life plus i'm having like the worst writers block ever so... i know i said i wanted to fit this into two chapters but i don't know how to do that so yeah... slowburn anyone?

As much as having the talk with Maggie terrified her she hoped they would get to talk soon. Because the sooner they talked the sooner Alex could start working on earning Maggie’s trust back, the sooner they could start their forever.

But then everything went to shit.

Because it always does.

Alex was sitting in her lab, scrolling through her conversation with Maggie, rereading the texts they had exchanged after Maggie had left Alex’s the night before, with a cracked heart and a glimmer of hope.

And Alex’s emotions were still all over the place- she suspected that it would stay like this for a while. She just felt so raw from seeing Maggie like  _ that _ the night before, seeing how broken and hurting she was.

She expected it to be bad, but maybe not  _ this  _ bad.

She had seen Maggie at her most vulnerable, at her most hurt, before. When she told her about her parents and Eliza and Emily and all the other, smaller, not so great things that had shaped her to be herself. But even after they had gotten closer, stopped having any secrets, the moments when Maggie allowed Alex to see all the hurt had been rare.

And Alex knew that.

She knew that and every time Maggie had let her see that part of her she made sure to let her know how loved she was, how she wasn’t alone anymore, how Alex was never going to let anything like that happen to her again.

But Alex had never seen her  _ this  _ hurt.

And the fact that she had caused Maggie to feel like that- even after all the promises of home and forever- had her crying her eyes out after Maggie had left.

But there was also that tiny sliver of hope.

The hope that bloomed in Alex’s chest with Maggie’s whispered  _ ‘I missed you. _ ’ against the skin of her neck.

Because even after all that she’d done to her, Maggie still missed her, still wanted Alex to be a part of her life. Even though Alex didn’t deserve it.

Didn’t deserve  _ her _ .

So after the first sister night spent without her little sister, in the company of her ex, Alex was left trying to piece the mess of emotions and thoughts that she was now together.

Her eyes flitted over one of the texts Maggie had sent her last night for the umpteenth time.

**Maggie:** _Got home safe_

Even that one simple text left her torn. Because she’d been dying to get a text like that, to know that Maggie was okay, for months. But on the other hand… Maggie’s home was supposed to be there, with Alex, not in some new apartment that Alex didn’t even know where to find.

She was a mess but she knew that she deserved it. For everything she’d done to Maggie. She was a mess but she also hadn’t felt this great, this hopeful in  _ months _ .

“Alex?” J’onn’s voice tore her out of her thoughts.

She locked her phone and put it on the table face down, standing up from the chair, looking from J’onn to his father. “Yeah?”

“I hope we’re not disturbing…” J’onn trailed off, glancing at her phone.

Of course he could sense that something was off. Her mind was racing with thoughts about Maggie and Alex was pretty sure that it was taking J’onn a lot not to listen to them, considering how loud they were.

“No,” she shook her head, “of course not. There’s always time for my two favorite people.”

The smile that spread across her face was genuine- which had been a very rare thing these past couple of weeks. But these two had made everything bad that had happened less unbearable. So the smile on her face was genuine but her stomach dropped when she looked at J’onn, his eyes downcast and sad.

“I came because I wished to see you again, Alex,” said  M'yrnn, taking Alex’s hands into his. “To say goodbye…”

_ No _ .

Her heart started racing as she glanced over to J’onn, needing him to tell her that what she was thinking wasn’t true, that M’yrnn meant something else, that he wouldn’t be another one to leave her.

Before she could spiral about the fact that this was probably how Maggie had felt, J’onn nodded, his jaw clenching. “It’s time.”

She could feel the lump in her throat starting to grow but she willed herself to look back at M’yrnn.

“You have brought me much joy in my time on your earth, Alex. You and your friends have showed me strange and wonderful things… You know, you have an amazing gift for intuiting the feelings of others.” If it were anyone else Alex would’ve scoffed at that. Instead she just bit the inside of her lip to keep herself from crying and listened on. “You would’ve made an excellent green martian.”

M’yrnn glanced over to his son at that, and Alex did so too, the tears in her eyes threatening to spill any moment. She could see J’onn swallowing his own tears at his father’s words.

“But most of all,” M’yrnn continued on so Alex turned her eyes back to him, “you have given me the great gift of witnessing your love for my son. Home is not a place, it is living among those who love and honor you. I can depart this world in peace because I know my son is home.”

Knowing that M’yrnn was done talking, she drew in a deep, shuddering breath and swallowed the lump in her throat. She knew she wouldn’t get through this without crying but she could at least try.

“It’s been a great honor, getting to spend time with you, M’yrnn. And now I know where J’onn gets his dignity,” she paused for a moment, the tears threatening to spill, “and his  _ enormous  _ heart.” Her voice cracked on the last words but she couldn’t care less, pulling M’yrnn into a hug and holding him tight, tears flowing down her cheeks.

“There is no need for watering of the eyes, child,” M’yrnn said as he pulled back with a bright smile on his face. “All of life is change. Doing the reach allows me to live on forever, within my son. I am very,  _ very  _ fortunate.”

Alex looked over at J’onn who was just standing there silently. She tried to breathe through her own tears, to stay strong for him.

“Time is slipping J’onn,” M’yrnn turned to his son, placing his hand on J’onn’s shoulder. “We must get the staff of Kh’ollar and go.”

Alex noticed the way J’onn’s jaw clenched as he nodded, ready to follow his father out the door without another word.

“J’onn,” Alex stopped him before he could walk away. “Is there  _ anything _ I can do? I can, I can come with you…”

“This is something I have to do on my own,” he said. “But knowing that you’re there is help enough.”

He offered her a weak smile as she place a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“You’re in charge.” He waited for Alex to nod before he turned to walk away again but stopped at the door. “Alex?” he looked over his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“I told you you’d make the right choice.”

He knew.

Of course he knew.

He smiled over his shoulder before he walked away. Alex let herself slump onto her chair, willing the tears to stop flowing.

~ ~ ~

She hoped that saying goodbye to M’yrnn would be the worst thing to happen to her that day.

(Considering how fucked up her life was and how hell bent the universe was on making her life as insufferable as it could, she should’ve known better.)

Her stomach dropped the moment she saw Ruby’s wide eyes filled with fear and held back tears, and a deathly pale Sam next to her. But she put on her brave face and led them both to the med bay and called Lena.

Because if anyone could help her figure out what was wrong with Sam it would be Lena- if Kara ever came back Alex would so kick her ass for choosing that whiny man child over Lena.

So they did all the tests they could think off but they still came up empty. Alex brain raced as she tried to come up with something,  _ anything _ that would help, unable to look at Ruby and tell her that she was going to lose her mom.

But then Ruby suggested they put Sam under the sun lamps, and even though her DNA clearly wasn’t turning Kryptonian, they agreed. They needed to buy time, and the sun lamps may help with that. Plus Alex didn’t want Ruby to feel like there’s nothing they could do for Sam.

So they put her under the sun lamps and got back to work, running test after test, going through all the hypothesis they could think of. But they had nothing.

Alex was about to call her mom to ask her for advice when she heard Winn yelling her name. Lena looked up from the notes she’d been scribbling with a cocked eyebrow.

Alex had barely enough time to shrug before Winn, out of breath and with a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead appeared in the doorway of her lab.

“Alex!” he yelled one more time, bending over and clutching his side, trying to catch his breath.

“How did you pass your physical?” Alex asked, frowning.

“I-I honestly- have no idea,” Winn gasped out. “But, my god, but- that’s not- important now. I- you- kind of have a call…”

Alex cocked an eyebrow. “A call?”

“Yeah. I, uh, need you- to come with- me.”

With a frown she stood up and followed Winn down the hallway and into the room that Kara would use for talking to the projection of her mom- and if this really was where he had ran from Alex needed to have a serious talk with the idiot that had let him pass the basic physical.

And she was a little confused when she saw Alura’s projection, standing there with her arms folded, tapping her foot impatiently but then she started talking and Alex had to try real hard not to cry because holy shit that was her baby sister.

But of course the happiness was gone very soon after Kara started talking, because of course things hadn’t been messed up enough just yet.

Reign wasn’t dead.

Dark Kryptonians were headed to Earth.

They wanted wipe out the whole population and make a new Krypton here.

And god, Alex’s stomach was filled with dread only thinking about it.

Her little sister was coming back to Earth though. And Alex couldn’t really quell the happiness rising in her chest.

But so were the dark Kryptonians and another end of the world.

God it had only been a year since the last one. A year since she… God she hoped Maggie was somewhere safe. But who was she kidding, knowing her ex fiancée, Alex was sure she would be somewhere in the epicenter of it all, helping everyone else get into safety, not caring about her own life…

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. She shouldn’t be thinking about that now, she should be preparing for yet another alien invasion, for saving the world again.

~ ~ ~

It all went down so fast.

They didn’t get the vial.

But Demos was dead.

He was one of the few agents Alex actually liked. And now he was gone. But that was the risk of their job. Alex would’ve done the same without a second thought.

Lena had figure out what was wrong with Sam, because of course she did. And Sam was willing to take the risk to get better, for Ruby.

So Lena took her to the med bay to prepare her, Ruby following them, unwilling to let her mom out of her sight even for a second.

And then she was suddenly left alone with her sister and her sister’s mother and her heart was beating like crazy. She wanted to hug Kara  _ so tight _ and never let her go again,  _ needed _ to bask in her sister’s presence after such a long time without her. But she was acutely aware of her sister’s mother’s presence and she didn’t know what to do with herself.

Because this was the woman that had sent her daughter, her sweet, little Kara away all those years ago and didn’t once think to check if she was alright. Alex doubted she’d ever felt so much resentment towards someone she barely knew. But if it wasn’t for her sending Kara to Earth, Alex wouldn’t have a sister. She probably wouldn’t be a DEO agent either. So she most likely wouldn’t meet Maggie- even though Alex doubted that because she liked to think that Maggie and her were meant to be, she liked to think that they’d find their way to each other no matter what.

So she just stood there, not knowing what to do with herself.

It was Kara who broke the tension and hugged her first, throwing her arms around Alex’s neck and squeezing hard enough to make Alex’s back pop. God, how she’d missed this.

“Rao, I missed you,” said Kara, melting into the hug as Alex squeezed her as tightly as she could.

“You too,” she whispered, tears threatening to spill.

Kara was beaming that bright smile of hers when she pulled back, bouncing on her heels slightly. “Mom,” she said, nodding her head towards Alex. “This is  _ Alex. _ ”

The way Kara said her name made her feel a lot more important that she was, like she was her personal hero, the big sister Kara had always looked up to for some reason. It made Alex stand up straighter, her chest filled with pride.

“ _ Oh, _ ” Alura breathed, her eyes wide, and her arms were around Alex before she could react and warn her about her fragile human bones.

But the hug was much gentler than Alex had feared it would be. Granted, her back popped a couple of times but Alura was clearly doing her best not to hurt her.

“ _ Thank you _ ,” she said when she pulled back, her eyes filled with tears.

“I, uh-“

“For looking after my daughter,” Alura said, smiling gently as she glance over to Kara. “For being a good sister to her. For giving her a home and a family. And most importantly for making her who she is today.”

Alex didn’t know what to say to all that. “That’s not my-“

“Kara’s told me a lot about you. How important you are to her and how she would never be who she is without you,” said Alura and Alex could feel the slight sting of tears in her eyes. “And also how you don’t give yourself enough credit for everything that you do.”

“I-“

“ _ Thank you _ , Alex.”

“I wouldn’t be who I am without her either,” said Alex, hoping they didn’t notice the way her lip wobbled slightly. “So I’m the one who should be thanking you really.”

“Stop it,” Kara interrupted them, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “We have no time for crying now and  _ this, _ ” she gestured at the two of them, “is making me all emotional.”

Alex just laughed, blinking back her own tears, hoping no one noticed them.

Kara put her hands on her hips- and god how Alex had missed her little sister trying to look all badass. “Let’s go save the world, ladies. We’ll have plenty of time for being emotional after.”

~ ~ ~

They saved the world again. Because that’s what they do. But Alex couldn’t be excited about it. Not really when Maggie wasn’t picking up her phone and Alex’s gut was telling her that something was wrong. She tried to tell herself that she was just overreacting.

Maggie was probably not answering because she was helping all the people that were stuck in the rubble, looking for injured and kids that got separated from their parents in all the chaos. Just like she did last year.

But she couldn’t get rid of the voice in the back of her head that was screaming that something was wrong. Because Maggie would’ve let her know she was okay even if she was still out there, still looking for people who needed help. Alex knew she would’ve at least texted her to make sure that Alex was okay.

So Maggie not picking up for two hours now left Alex pacing around her lab, her hair messy from how much she’d ran her fingers through it.

She tried not to think about the worst, tried not to imagine her... She tried but she couldn’t and the very thought of it left her drenched in cold sweat.

Alex knew that the universe didn’t like her but she hoped it wouldn’t be cruel enough to take the love of her life from her before she could even give her the promised forever.

“Alex?” Kara’s voice interrupted her pacing, making her stop and turn around.

“Hmm?”

“Everyone’s celebrating… don’t you wanna join us?” she asked, the worried crinkle between her eyes.

Alex shook her head.

She hadn’t told Kara about Maggie yet, hadn’t really had the time.

Kara came closer to her, reaching out a comforting hand and placing it on Alex’s shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Alex felt a sharp pang of guilt in her chest at the hurt look in Kara’s eyes.

Kara sighed. “I know I hurt you when I left but… don’t shut me out, Alex. Please.”

“I’m not-“

“Then tell me what’s wrong,” Kara pleaded. “We always tell each other everything.”

Alex sighed and resumed her pacing.

“It’s,” she ran a hand through her hair and turned back around, needing to look at Kara when she said it, “Maggie.”

She expected Kara to do that thing she’d been doing for the past couple of months, to put on that disgustingly bright face and tell her to move on and forget- as if she ever could. But she didn’t, instead her face softened and her eyes were full of concern.

“You wanna know if she’s okay?”

“No,” Alex shook her head. “I mean yes but no. I  _ know _ she’s not. Because if she were she would’ve checked in on me. But I haven’t heard from her since yesterday and I-“

“Yesterday?”

Alex sighed, rubbing her eyes. “I’ve been trying to get her back, Kara,” she replied. “And I  _ know _ what you’re gonna say but I, uh, I don’t wanna hear it. I’m sorry but I don’t. Because I’ve tried, I’ve tried  _ so hard _ to be happy without her, Kara. But I just can’t. I wanted to adopt a freaking child last week just because I felt unhappy. I wanted to take some poor kid whose life has already been hard enough and make it even harder by dumping all of my problems on them, by expecting them to make me  _ happy. _ ”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve been gone for a bit more than a week, Alex!”

“I know.”

“And you almost adopted a kid!”

“The whole process takes longer than three business days but yeah basically…”

“So, uh, Maggie?”

“Mom made me realize that the whole kid thing was the worst idea I’ve ever had. And also that I can’t expect someone else to fill Maggie’s place in my heart. Only Maggie can do that.”

She hadn’t realized that she was crying until she felt the tears flowing down her cheeks.

“You really love her, don’t you?” Kara asked, her voice gentle.

Alex nodded, fighting a sob as she wiped the tears off of her cheeks. “ _ So much _ , Kara. So much it-“

“Hurts.”

“Yeah.”

Kara just nodded and it seemed like she _finally_ listened to what Alex was saying.

“She’s not picking up?”

Alex shook her head, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.

“Not even her work cell?”

“No.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Kara said and turned around, walking out of the lab and leaving a confused Alex behind.

“Kara?”

Kara walked back quickly, grabbing Alex’s hand and dragging her with her towards the balcony.

“What are you doing?” Alex asked when they came to a stop on the balcony, at the very spot where she asked Maggie to marry her after Kara had told her to never let her go. She’d never regretted anything more than that.

Kara placed both hands on Alex’s shoulders. “I know Maggie’s heartbeat.”

Alex had to blink back fresh tears. “You do?”

“Yeah.”

“We’ll fly over the city and find her.”

“But, but what if…” Alex couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence.

“No,” Kara shook her head firmly. “Don’t you dare go there. We’re gonna find her and she’s gonna be okay and you’re gonna get her back and have that huge gay wedding and a million dogs, okay?”

Alex swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded.

She prayed to anyone that was listening that Kara was right.

~ ~ ~

They found her.

Unconscious and bleeding but alive.

Kara scanned her for any serious internal trauma and when she was sure it was safe to move her she flew her over to the DEO before coming back to get Alex.

Maggie was already surrounded by a team of doctors when Alex got there. But she didn’t trust any of them so she made them all step back, slipping a pair of gloves on trembling hands, trying to concentrate on Maggie, on keeping her alive, instead of the loud thumping of her heart in her ears.

She was barely keeping her breathing even and had no idea how she managed to take care of Kara after that first fight with Reign.

Somehow this felt different though.

A part of her knew that she should probably let the other doctors tend to Maggie but she couldn’t. She couldn’t just stand aside and do nothing while Maggie fought for her life, couldn’t risk losing her again, this time for good.

Alex didn’t know how long had passed before there were gentle hands on her shoulders, pulling her away. She almost elbowed the person but the touch felt familiar so she turned around.

“Mom?”

“Let me, sweetie,” Eliza said, pulling Alex further from Maggie.

“But-“

“You’re shaking, Alex.”

Fuck.

She hadn’t realized that until now.

“I can’t, I can’t lose her. I can’t-“

“And you’re not going to,” Eliza’s voice was calm and gentle and Alex willed herself to believe her. “You trust me?”

She trusted her with her own life. She wasn’t so sure about Maggie’s though. But the tiny part of her that still managed to stay rational knew that Eliza was the best shot Maggie had.

She nodded numbly, let her mom kiss her forehead and then watched her as she turned to Maggie, ordering the by standing team of doctors what to do. She could feel J’onn wrapping a blanket around her but she didn’t move, just stood there frozen to the spot and watched her mom do her job, watched Maggie fight for her life.

~ ~ ~

It felt like forever, but it really wasn’t that long, till she was sat in a chair at Maggie’s bedside.

Her mom said that most of the damage was external, safe for a couple cracked ribs and that Maggie should be awake in a couple hours.

She also told Alex to get some sleep while Maggie wakes up but Alex would be damned if she let go of her hand or close her eyes even just for a moment.

So she just sat there and watched her, needing to see that she was okay. She sat there and watched her even though her eyelids felt heavy and her eyes burned with exhaustion and her whole body ached from how tired she was.

But she would be damned if she wasn’t there when Maggie woke up.

It took something over eight hours for Maggie to start waking up.

First her fingers started twitching and Alex thought that her tired brain was just imagining it. But then she gripped Alex’s hand tightly as she started shifting a little. She blinked her eyes open a couple of moments after that and if Alex hadn’t been so tired she would’ve cried from happiness.

Maggie opened her mouth but nothing came out, just a cough that wracked her whole body and made her face twist in pain. Alex reached for the water that was placed on the bedside table with her free hand, never letting go of Maggie.

She placed the straw between Maggie’s dry lips and waited as she took a few careful gulps. Alex placed the water back once Maggie relaxed back into her pillow and waited for Maggie to try to talk again.

“Am I,” her voice was weak and Alex’s heart ached, “am I dead?”

“No,” Alex shook her head firmly.

God, no.

Maggie’s eyes flashed with something that looked a lot like sadness for a second.

“What is it?” Alex asked.

Maggie shook her head. “I just thought,” she didn’t finish the sentence, her voice too weak. Instead she glanced at their joined hands, giving Alex’s a slight squeeze.

Alex couldn’t help herself but hold her with her other hand as well. “No. You know I wouldn’t have let that happen,” she shook her head. “You’re alive, Mags.”

Maggie closed her eyes at the nickname, her jaw clenching.

“Then why,” she gulped, opening her eyes and glancing at their joined hands again, “ _ why _ ?”

Her mouth was forming words before her brain had even processed them. “Because I l-“

“Don’t,” Maggie stopped her and Alex’s heart sank. “ _ Please _ , Alex.”

“But-“

“No,” Maggie shook her head. “Not when,” she paused, swallowing roughly, “one of us almost died again.”

Alex swallowed the lump in her throat. “Okay.”

“Thank you.”

“Can I at least,” she paused to blink back the tears, blowing out a steading breath, “can I hold your hand?”

Maggie didn’t even hesitate before she nodded.

“Thank you,” Alex’s voice was nearly a whisper.

The smile that Maggie offered her in return was so weak Alex could barely make out the creases of the dimples she loved so much.

“You should get some sleep,” Alex said.

Maggie’s eyes were closed before she even muttered, “You too, Danvers.”

~ ~ ~

The first thing she noticed when she woke up was that she wasn’t holding Maggie’s hand anymore. She blinked her eyes open and noticed that Maggie wasn’t there.

Maggie wasn’t there and Alex’s heart was suddenly beating like crazy.

She stood up from the chair she’d been sitting in so fast the metal screeched against the floor, eyes searching the room. She was just about to head out of the door when her mom walked in, a fragile looking Maggie leaning against her as she walked slowly.

Alex could see the pain in Maggie’s face with each step she took. She wished she could take all that pain away from her. Maggie didn’t deserve this. And it tore Alex’s heart to pieces as she watched her, jaw clenched and eyes determined but unable to hide all the pain she was in.

“Relax, sweetie,” Eliza said, and it took Alex a moment to realize that she was talking to her.

“I only went to the bathroom, Danvers,” said Maggie as she finally reached the bed and sat down with a groan. “No need to panic.”

“You could’ve woken me up.”

“You needed to get some sleep.”

“I could’ve-“

She cut herself off when noticed to look on Maggie’s face.

“I  _ know _ you, Danvers,” she said with a small, sad smile. “Plus it’s not like I went alone.”

“I’m going to grab a coffee for myself,” said Eliza, making Alex frown a little. She had forgotten her mom was there. “Want some too, sweetie?”

Alex nodded silently and watched as her mom left the room, leaving her and Maggie alone with that weird, heavy tension that had settled in the room.

She pulled the chair back to the bed and sat down, trying to come up with something to say, to break the silence and the tension. Something different than ‘ _ I love you’  _ and ‘ _ I miss you’  _ and ‘ _ I’m sorry’  _ and ‘ _ You could’ve died and I wouldn’t have gotten that second chance that I don’t even deserve’. _

Maggie broke the silence first. “Kara’s back…”

“Yeah.”

“Is she staying or…?”

Alex hadn’t even thought of that, of Kara leaving again, too busy caught up in the excitement from having her sister back and in the adrenaline from saving the world again and in the heartbreak of almost losing Maggie again.

“I, uh, I don’t know,” she replied, her throat feeling too tight suddenly.

Maggie just nodded, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, her eyes full of the look that meant that something was worrying her, that something was wrong and she was trying to push it down.

“What is it?” Alex asked.

“Nothing,” Maggie shook her head resolutely.

Alex knew she couldn’t push Maggie to tell her. Pushing Maggie into talking about things was never good. And she knew that Maggie didn’t trust her enough to open up the way she used to, before Alex had torn her heart to pieces.

“I just,” Maggie started, pausing to take a deep breath, “I’ll understand if you won’t wanna see me anymore.”

Alex’s brow furrowed. “What?”

“I mean, we both know that you reached out to me just cause she was gone so now that she’s back, and maybe staying… I’ll understand if you don’t-“

“Maggie, no,” Alex’s voice was a bit harsher than she had intended, Maggie’s eyes widening a little, but she couldn’t help herself. Not with all the anger and hate flowing through her. Maggie thought she was some sort of temporary replacement for Kara. Alex had never hated herself more. She knew she’d never forgive herself for everything she’d put Maggie through. “I don’t care that Kara’s back! I mean, I do, you know I do but that’s not what I meant. What I meant was that I’ve  _ missed you  _ and it doesn’t matter if Kara stays or goes, I  _ need  _ you in my life. And I know how selfish that sounds but god, Maggie, I lo-“

“Don’t say it,” Maggie said, her voice weak and eyes downcast. “I don’t wanna hear it. I can’t.”

Alex nodded as her heart shattered in her chest.

The silence that settled around them after that was painful. It almost reminded Alex of the silence that would follow all those endless arguments. Her heart aching and tears burning in her throat, blurring her vision.

And as much as she wanted to stay by Maggie’s side and make sure that she was okay, she just couldn’t. All she could do was not run out of the room the moment Eliza got back with her coffee, telling her that J’onn wanted to talk to her.

She glanced over her shoulder one last time, her heart aching even more when Maggie smiled at Eliza as she took Alex’s place in the chair, her dimples soft but eyes haunted.

Maggie was in good hands. She had Eliza there, like she did after Alex had left her. Alex knew Eliza would take care of her and she needed to get as far from the room as she could, even though half of her wanted nothing more than to stay and make sure that Maggie was okay. But she knew that Eliza would do better job of doing that, like she had been for the past eight months.

Alex hoped no one saw how she wiped her tears away. She squared her shoulders and put her Agent Danvers face on.

No time for another round of self-pitying now.

No time for being weak now.

~ ~ ~

J’onn made her the director.

He told her that he was proud of her, that he knew she’d make the right decision, that he can’t wait to see her as happy as she used to be, that she deserves to be happy. And then he made her director of the DEO.

And on one hand she was absolutely terrified because she already felt like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders but now she was actually responsible for the world’s safety. And that was simply a lot.

But on the other hand she wouldn’t have to be in the field as much. Granted, she couldn’t imagine letting her kid sister going out there alone- if Kara even decided to stay- even though Kara was indestructible. But she wouldn’t have to risk her life every day. She’d get to have a more normal life.

He reassured her that he wasn’t leaving, that she’d see him around, and that made her feel a little lighter. She couldn’t imagine losing another father.

They hugged and Alex let herself melt into his embrace and soak up his presence. She didn’t bother hiding the tears when he gave her that fatherly smile and told her again that he believed in her and that she was sure she could do it.

Alex couldn’t help the feeling that he wasn’t talking only about her new position as the Director.

~ ~ ~

“I heard Maggie’s okay.”

Kara’s voice startled her as she walked out of her lab. She’d been sitting in there, needing a moment alone to process everything.

Alex nodded, wrapping her arms around herself. “She’s gonna be.”

They both just stood there, looking at one another. A couple of days back, Alex would’ve given anything just to talk to her sister again. She had so many things she wanted to say to her then. But now she couldn’t think of anything and the silence that settled between them was uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

“I’m not going back,” Kara said after a while, breaking the silence.

“What?”

“To Argo,” she said, “I’m staying here, with you.”

“Kara,” Alex breathed out. “But, but your mom, your people… Kara your whole life-“

“Is here.”

“But-“

“I’ve missed my mom. A lot,” she said, a small sad smile on her lips. “But, Alex, I, I think I missed you more.”

Alex didn’t say anything, just wrapped her arms around herself tighter as she blinked back tears, knowing that Kara wasn’t done yet.

“You’re my  _ sister _ , Alex. You’ve always been here for me, ready to, to do whatever it took to keep me safe even though  _ I’m  _ the girl of steel,” she said, gesturing at herself and letting out a little laugh.

And Alex just shrugged because  _ of course _ . Of course she would do whatever it took to keep her safe. She was Kara’s big sister and that’s what big sisters are for.

“No, no, Alex, I- I’m sorry.” Kara’s eyes glimmered with unshed tears. “For making you feel like I was your responsibility, like you have to take care of me, and then just leaving you here,” she said, answering Alex’s unasked question. “I’m sorry I left you here just like that…”

“Kara, it’s okay. You missed your mom, you-“

“Would you have done the same if you were in my place?”

No.

Of course not.

She’d never just leave Kara.

She couldn’t.

“See,” Kara said after a moment when Alex wasn’t saying anything.

“But-“

“I’m sorry.” Kara placed her hands on Alex’s shoulders, squeezing so, so gently. “I’m  _ so _ sorry. I promise I’ll never leave you again.”

Alex could feel the tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Yeah?” she asked.

Kara nodded. “Yeah.”

She let her little sister pull her into a hug then, clutching onto her for dear life, not caring which agents saw her crying.

~ ~ ~

The first thing she saw when she neared the med bay was that Maggie was crying and she nearly tripped over herself in her haste to get to her. And then she noticed Winn, sitting on the chair next to Maggie’s bed. His smile was wide even though she could see his eyes were full of unshed tears.

She slowed down a little, to give them some space. But she didn’t stop because if there was one thing Alex couldn’t take it was watching Maggie cry and do nothing.

They both noticed her the moment she walked through the door. Maggie ducked her head and wiped her tears away and Alex’s heart ached because she used to be the person that Maggie never hid her tears away from. But she wasn’t that person anymore and she only had herself to blame.

Winn smiled at her as he wiped his own tears away. “Hi.”

“Hey,” she said. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Winn nodded. “I was just, uh, telling her that I’m leaving.”

“Leaving?” Alex repeated, frowning.

He nodded. “With the Legion.”

“Oh.”

She could feel tears gathering in her eyes and she blinked them back.

She couldn’t imagine the DEO without Winn. Or game nights, bar nights, karaoke nights… He’d become something like her little brother.

And she’d just gotten Kara back.

Not to mention that she was in charge of the whole DEO and yes, of course they had other great techs but none of them was as amazing as Winn.

Of course the Legion wanted him.

But this wasn’t about her. This was about Winn. And even though there were tears in his eyes and a tiny bit of fear mixed with doubt Alex could see the pride. A little over two years ago he was working at CatCo and then he worked his way up to be the best tech the DEO’s ever seen and now he was going to become a part of a group of alien superheroes. He was going to become a part of a group of the universe’s finest, something he no doubt had been dreaming about ever since he was a kid, and Alex could see how proud he was of himself.

And damn it she was too.

“It’s, uh, it’s not like I’m never gonna come back! Plus, it, uh, I-“

“Winn,” she cut him off. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m gonna miss you. But I’m  _ so _ proud of you.”

Winn was up from the chair and hugging her in an instant and she was crying for what felt like the millionth time that day. Reputation be damned.

“You’re gonna be great,” she mumbled into his shoulder and he pulled her in tighter.

“James is gonna have to find a new partner for game night,” he chuckled wetly as he pulled back.

She nodded, huffing out a little laugh as she wiped her eyes. “And for all your vigilante hijinks.”

“Yeah…”

She glanced to Maggie then, her eyes were firmly trained on her hands that were clasped in her lap. She looked so small and vulnerable and Alex wanted nothing more than to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. But she wasn’t the person Maggie needed right now.

“I’m gonna let you guys talk,” she said. “I’ll wait outside.”

The grateful smile on Maggie’s face was worth walking out of there even though her brain was screaming at her to stay.

~ ~ ~

She didn’t know how much time had passed when Winn finally walked out of the med bay. He headed straight to the railing she was leaning against and bumped her shoulder with that cheeky, little brother smile that she knew she was going miss so much.

“I promise I’ll come visit every once in a while,” he said.

Alex just smiled sadly.

“Come on,” he bumped her shoulder with his again, “you have Supergirl and Martian Manhunter, you don’t need me to-“

“J’onn resigned.”

“Wait what?”

“He’s quitting the DEO.”

“What?! But, but, but, he can’t do that! He’s, he’s Papa Bear! Who’s gonna run this place now? Who’s gonna be the-“ He cut himself off when he noticed the look on Alex’s face. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my god, Alex!” He was hugging her before she could do anything. “This is amazing!”

“Is it?” she asked when he pulled back.

“Yes!” he nodded. “You’re gonna be amazing, Director Danvers. I know it.”

Alex smiled sheepishly, scuffing her boot on the floor.

“God,” Winn sighed, “I pity all the agents that are gonna have to deal with an angry Director Danvers. I’m honestly glad I’m leaving now…”

“No, you’re not.”

“I mean, I am but not cause of that,” he said. “I’m gonna miss you.”

She looked at him and she could feel tears stinging in her eyes. She seriously needed to get this whole crying thing under control if she wanted to maintain at least some of her reputation.

“You too.”

“I’m gonna come-“

“Visit us,” Alex cut him off and pulled into a hug. “Yeah, yeah. You better, Schott.”

Alex held him as tight as she could, knowing it was probably the last time for a long time and he hugged her just as tightly.

“Who knows,” he shrugged after he pulled back, glancing towards the med bay, “maybe the next time I’ll see you will be at, uh, an engagement party?”

A small, hopeful smile spread across her face. “Maybe.”

“Take care of her, Alex,” he said, looking back at her.

“I will,” she nodded.

Winn scratched at the back of his neck. “She would kill me if she knew I said this but… she needs it, needs  _ you _ .”

Alex’s heart soared with hope at Winn’s words.

“Thanks, Winn.”

He smiled and hugged her one more time and then turned around and left. She watched him until he disappeared behind the corner and she tried to ignore the dull ache in her chest and the feeling of having lost yet another member of their little family.

~ ~ ~

She felt weird walking back into the med bay. Her hands were clammy and her knees felt like jelly and her mouth felt as if it had been stuffed with cotton and her brain was on overload and-

“Hey,” Maggie’s soft voice pulled her out of her head.

“Hi.”

She stood there, a couple of steps from Maggie’s bed, not knowing what to do with herself, until Maggie glanced at the chair that was still next to her bed and then back at Alex. She walked to the chair slowly, wincing when she pulled it back and the metal legs screeched against the floor.

“Nice suit,” said Maggie and Alex couldn’t help the fluttering in her stomach when she noticed the way Maggie’s eyes took it all in.

She cleared her throat, hoping that her voice wasn’t as weak as it sounded to her, “Thanks.”

“Lemme guess… Winn’s work?”

Alex nodded. “Yeah.”

They both went silent after that. Alex looked down at her hands, picking at her cuticles, as her brain worked a mile a minute as she tried to come up with a conversation topic, an excuse for why she was there- something other than ‘ _ I needed to be near you.’ _ But she couldn’t come up with anything and the silence in the room felt heavy and unfamiliar and Alex hated every second that ticked by.

When she looked back up at Maggie, she wasn’t looking at her either. Her eyes were fixed on the wall in front of her but Alex could see the tears that were beginning to gather in Maggie’s eyes.

She almost reached for Maggie’s hand that was resting on the mattress only inches away but then decided against it. She knew Maggie only allowed the people closest to her to touch her when she was upset. And as painful as it was, Alex wasn’t one of those people anymore.

“Maggie?” Alex waited a moment for Maggie to turn around before speaking again, “Are you okay?”

Maggie’s bottom lip wobbled and Alex watched her bite it to keep herself from crying. She watched as Maggie tried to stay strong and tried to ignore how seeing her like that, injured and upset, was tearing her to pieces. She didn’t say anything, just watched her, knowing better than to push her.

“You know,” Maggie cleared her throat and took a deep breath, “Winn was the friend who let me crash at his place after…”

Alex felt as if someone had dumped a bucket of cold water over her head. She didn’t know what to say. She had no idea. But it wasn’t like she ever even tried to check up on Maggie, to see if she was okay. It seemed like everyone else around her made sure that Maggie was okay though. 

She’d always considered Winn a bad liar but he’d managed to keep  _ this _ from her. He managed to take care of Maggie when she’d kicked her out and then see Alex at work and at game nights and at the bar and he was always ready to comfort her, to say it would be better, that she was strong and that she would get through it.

He never once said that she’d find someone better than Maggie though, and Alex loved him for that.

“I, uh, I had no-“

“I made him promise he wouldn’t tell you,” said Maggie. “He said he was too scared of me to break the promise,” she chuckled sadly.

“He’s a great friend.”

“Yeah,” Maggie nodded. “And now he’s-“

Alex reached for Maggie’s hand before she could really think about what she was doing. She froze when Maggie looked down at their joined hands and then back up at her. She was ready to pull back and apologize when Maggie squeezed her hand back. Her chest was flooded with relief and a little bit of hope.

“He’s not dead.”

“I know, he’s just going to be-“

Alex cut Maggie off when her voice cracked. “A badass space superhero.”

Maggie chuckled wetly, shaking her head. “He’s gonna be so smug about it, isn’t he?”

“Oh, totally,” Alex laughed.

“You think we’ll still be able to scare him when he comes back?”

“You doubting me, Sawyer?”

Maggie laughed. “I’m just saying the guy’s going to be a damn superhero!”

“And I’ll still be able to instill the fear of god in him.” Alex tried to keep her face as serious as she could, as she watched Maggie smile that big dimpled smile she loved so much.

“Whatever you need to tell your ego, Danvers.”

They were both silent for a moment then, but it didn’t feel as uncomfortable as before though. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that they were still holding hands and Maggie started drawing circles over Alex’s knuckle with her thumb. Alex was pretty sure that it was subconscious. But that did nothing to calm the raging butterflies in her stomach.

“I’m just gonna miss him, y’know,” said Maggie, breaking the silence.

Her voice was weak so Alex squeezed her hand a little tighter, cursing herself when the action made Maggie’s thumb still.

“He promised he’s gonna visit us.”

“I know,” Maggie nodded. “But he was there when I needed him the most. He saved me. I just, uh, I can’t imagine him not being around.”

Alex swallowed roughly, hoping Winn hadn’t left yet. She had to thank him and hug him and then maybe smack him across the head just for good measure and then hug him again.

“You’ll have me,” Alex said before her brain could even register what she was saying.

Maggie’s eyes went wide and Alex could practically see her building her defenses up. “What?”

“I, uh, I,” she stuttered, racking her brain for something to say before Maggie had her walls completely up, “I mean, you said that you wanted to be friends.”

“Oh,” Maggie breathed. Alex was sure she was imagining the glimmer of disappointment in Maggie’s eyes. “Right.”

“Do you not-“

“No, no, no,” Maggie squeezed her hand tightly as she shook her head. “I do, Alex. I really do.”

Alex’s heart ached as she tried to keep in everything she wanted to say to Maggie. She wanted so much more than to be her friend. She wanted another shot at their forever. But her mom told her to take it slow and Alex knew that rushing things would just ruin everything.

“We should have that talk first though,” Maggie said.

“We should,” Alex nodded. “But not now. Maybe later when you’re not all drugged up, okay?”

“Okay.”

Alex knew she had to either change the topic or get out of the room. She wasn’t ready to leave Maggie yet though. “Mom said you’re good to go home tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you, uh…” Alex cut herself off when she realized she wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer.

“Do I what?”

Alex took a deep breath. “Do you have anyone to pick you up?”

“Eliza offered to drive me,” Maggie said. “Plus it’s not like I could tell anyone about this place.”

That still didn’t answer the question Alex somehow still didn’t know the answer to even after having Maggie back in her life for almost two weeks now.

“Yeah…”

She turned her eyes down to their still joined hands, praying that Maggie hadn’t found someone new. Because if she had, Alex would have to settle for being just friends. Because Maggie deserved to be happy and if she had found someone to be happy with, someone who would treat her better than Alex had, Alex wouldn’t get in the way of that.

She would rather suffer and see her with someone else.

“But no,” Maggie said, making Alex look back up. “I don’t have anyone to, um, pick me up.”

Alex nodded slowly, knowing that Maggie was answering her unasked question. She had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep herself from smiling.

“So I’m guessing you have no one to check up on you either?”

“I can take care of myself,” Maggie frowned but her eyes had that playful gleam in them.

Alex put the hand that wasn’t holding Maggie’s up. “And I don’t doubt that!”

Maggie nodded, her eyes squinted a little. “Don't you?”

“No! But, uh, would you- would you mind if I checked up on you?” she asked, her heart beating like crazy in her chest.

Maggie bit her lip, just looking at Alex for a moment before she shook her head. “No,” she said.

“Okay,” Alex couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. “I’ll stop by then. Maybe we can finally talk?”

Maggie nodded. “Maybe.”

Alex squeezed Maggie’s hand before she got up from the chair and walked over to the door. Maggie should get some sleep and Alex didn’t have the right to sit by her bedside and hold her hand when she slept anymore.

She looked over her shoulder, her heart jumping when she found Maggie smiling at her. “See you, Sawyer,” she said, mirroring Maggie’s smile.

“See you, Danvers.”

 

~ ~ ~

 

She knew that pacing in front of her sister’s door was pointless, knew Kara could hear her, but that didn’t really stop her. Boxes of pizza clutched tightly in her hands, she paced up and down Kara’s end of the hallway, wondering how long it’d take for her to wear a hole into the carpet.

They had a lot to talk about. And even though they always talked about everything, Alex was nervous as hell.

Because what if Kara tried to talk her out of getting back with Maggie again? She seemed to get it, that Alex didn’t want someone else, back at the DEO. But that was after Kara’d saved the world again, when they thought that Maggie might be dead. What if she’d thought it through and was now back on Team Anyone-But-Maggie?

Or what if she’d changed her mind and decided to go back to Argo? Alex knew she couldn’t do the whole director thing without her, not when J’onn and Winn were gone. But she also knew she wouldn’t hold Kara back if she wanted to leave. She would put on a brave face and act as if it wasn’t ripping her apart again because Kara deserved to be happy and-

“Fifteen minutes,” Kara’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts.

“Huh?”

“You’ve been pacing for fifteen minutes, Alex.”

She frowned. It didn’t really seem like that long. “No, I haven’t.”

“Your heart’s beating so loud I don’t even need superhearing to hear it,” Kara said, walking over to her. She grabbed the pizza with one hand and put the other on Alex’s back, leading her inside.

They headed straight to the couch, sitting down on opposite ends. Alex played with her fingers nervously, avoiding Kara’s eyes.

“Alex?” Kara’s voice was gentle as she scooted a little closer to Alex, placing a hand on her knee. “I know we haven’t really talked about everything back at the DEO but you have no reason to be this nervous.”

Alex just looked up at her sister, not knowing where to begin.

“I’m not going anywhere, okay? I promise.”

Alex felt a little bit of relief washing over her at Kara’s words.

“I’m going to stay and help you be a kickass director,” she said, smiling, and Alex smiled in return. “I’m here now and I’m not leaving ever again. I’m not gonna miss a single sister night, if it’s not cause of Supergirl stuff… and I’m going to be here for all the game nights, if you know… Supergirl. And I’m going to be here when you need to talk to someone and to talk you out of dumb ideas.”

Alex swallowed roughly at that, hoping Kara wasn’t planning on talking her out of anything now.

“And I  _ promise _ ,” she said, squeezing Alex’s knee a little tighter, “I’m not going to miss your and Maggie’s bridal shower this time.”

Alex tried to blink back the tears but she knew that it was useless. “You- you really think that-“

“Yes.”

“But what if-“

“I’m also here to help you get the girl back.”

Alex wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, tears flowing even though she was smiling. “So you don’t think I could find someone better anymore?”

Kara winced at Alex’s words a little and Alex was ready to take them back and apologize but Kara stopped her, putting a hand up and taking a deep breath.

“I, uh, listen,” she said, “I was a jerk. You’re my sister and I love you  _ so much _ , Alex. I just want what’s best for you. And I for the longest time I thought that meant getting everything you want. You wanted kids and Maggie couldn’t give that to you. So I was just so hell-bent on making you see that you could have more, that you could have everything, that I forgot to listen to what you really wanted. And I’m  _ so sorry _ for that, Alex.”

Alex let the tears flow down her face freely as she grabbed Kara’s hand, squeezing tightly.

“If Maggie is what you need to be happy then I’m gonna help you get her back,” said Kara, her own voice breaking a little as she tried to hold back her tears. “Because you  _ deserve  _ to be happy.”

She pulled her sister into a hug, holding her as tightly as she could. They both soaked each other’s shirts with tears but none of them cared because Kara was back finally, she was  _ home _ . And they still had so many things to talk about but this felt like a good beginning.

Kara wasn’t going anywhere. She was here to stay and to help Alex be the best director and she was going to help her get back her forever and she wasn’t going to miss their bridal shower this time around. She was here and all Alex had to do to talk to her was pick up the phone and call her.

Kara was home and Alex felt like the universe might let her be happy for more than only five minutes this time.

“So,” Kara said as she pulled back from the hug, wiping at her eyes, frowning a little, “have I told you there’s no pizza on Argo?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love hearing what you all think, your feedback is the only reason why i'm still writing, so please let me know in the comments or come talk to me on tumblr, [peggycarterislife](http://peggycarterislife.tumblr.com/) or on twitter, [@pcarterislife](https://twitter.com/pcarterislife)
> 
> i don't know when i'm gonna post the next chapter cause i'd like to finally update [Blue neighbourhood](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14197695/chapters/32727228) before i write any more of this but i promise i'll do my best to have it out asap

**Author's Note:**

> please lemme know what you think (your comments are honestly what makes me write) in the comments or come talk to me on tumblr, [peggycarterislife](http://peggycarterislife.tumblr.com/) or on twitter, [@pcarterislife](https://twitter.com/pcarterislife)


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